Regretting Destiny
by Isis FG
Summary: B/A fic - 'post-Chosen' - 1st in the 'Finding Tomorrow' Series...Buffy's POV during Chosen ~angsty~ *COMPLETE*


Title: Regretting Destiny (#1, or the prequel, in the 'Finding Tomorrow' Series)  
  
Author: Isis Blue  
  
Started: June 29, 2003  
  
Completed: June 29, 2003  
  
Feedback: Yes please, I'm a feedback junkie: vagabond_angel@comcast.net  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, all the people at ME, Fox, UPN, etc who awed and tortured us for seven years own 'em  
  
Rating: R, for a few bad words  
  
Pairing: B/A, mentions of B/S  
  
Fic Summary: Buffy POV that takes place during 'Chosen' Spoilers: anything in season 7, especially the last few eps  
  
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), ff.net, BA_Fluff list, and LoD; & Starrkitty's Archive if they want it, anyone else, just ask first.  
  
Author's Notes: Ok.here's the deal. I wasn't going to add anymore to my post-Chosen trilogy 'Finding Tomorrow', but the idea for this fic just wouldn't leave me alone.or rather everytime I heard the song I had the need to write this, so here it is. I was just going to call it a prequel to the trilogy, but since I have another fic I want to add as well I decided to just switch it to a series and renumber the other ones as I need to. Anyways, this fic takes place before the others (and is therefore now the 1st fic in the series) and is Buffy's POV during a part of 'Chosen'. Hope I didn't confuse anyone! Oh, one more thing, I haven't rewatched any of the final eps so I might be off a little bit on the details, but whatever.  
  
AN2: Lyrics are from the song 'Separated Self' by Saliva off their album 'Back Into Your System'.  
  
Warnings: rather angsty, no fluff at all.  
  
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~Buffy's POV~  
  
If there's a God at Heaven's door,  
Do you think He wants me anymore?  
  
I stood there for nearly a half hour, staring at the spot where he'd last been standing. Does he know how much I wanted to ask him to stay? Does he know that all I wanted was to fall into his arms and forget about everything going on around me? He probably did. He always knew things like that. I could never lie to him.  
  
I couldn't ask him to stay, though. I couldn't tell him that he's the only man I've ever truly loved. It doesn't matter what I feel. Or what he feels. And not because of curses or our natures, but because things like love, family, and normalcy just aren't part of my life. Those things are for people who don't have to worry about making sure the world exists tomorrow. Me? I have to worry about those things. I have to do my duty. Being with the man I love isn't part of the deal.  
  
It's all left up to circumstances,  
A whole life filled with second chances.  
Pounded in like nails into my floor.  
  
'One girl in all the world.'.makes it sound like a privilege, doesn't it? Or what about when someone refers to me as a superhero? It's not a privilege. Maybe it's a bit of an honor, that somebody up There thought I could handle this deal. But, now, it only ever seems like a curse. Not all that different from the one that burdens Angel on a daily basis.  
  
Since that day when I was fifteen, my life has been a constant state of chaos. Getting kicked out of school, moving to a Hellmouth, falling in love with a vampire who turned evil when we made love, losing friends, losing family, dying.twice, fighting endless evils. It never ends. Every time one things ends, another one steps up to the challenge of 'trying to destroy Buffy.'  
  
Everybody hates  
And everybody dies.  
Begins to separate,  
A world that's full of lies.  
  
I used to want a normal life. I tried to have one while being a Slayer despite the fact that it's against the very nature of my 'calling'. Giles told me, Wesley told me, the Council told me.they all told me I couldn't have one, but I tried anyway. My only love even left me so that I could have one. But I don't even know what a normal life is anymore.  
  
I'm a Slayer. I fight. I get my ass kicked on a regular basis. I lose people I love. I die. And then I come back and do it all over again. That's who I am. That's what I am. I live the life of a Slayer now. It's all I know.  
  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
  
I do what I'm supposed to. And what does that get me in return? Kicked out of my own fucking house! By the people who are supposed to be my friends and family, no less! I don't think I've ever felt as betrayed as I did the night they asked me to leave. After all we've been through together, after everything that's happened, they basically told me they didn't trust me.  
  
I could have just walked away. I could have just left it all behind me and let Faith fight the battle. But I couldn't. I couldn't leave them to die. I couldn't abandon my duty. It's all I know of life. I'm a Slayer. It's my job to save the world, even if no one trusts that I can do it.  
  
Surely there's a better place for me,  
A place where I can spend eternity.  
  
I'm still staring at the spot where he last stood. I can't feel his presence anymore and I can't help but miss it. I didn't lie when I told him now's not the time. It may never be the time for us. But I know I'm not ready now.  
  
I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not Buffy. Buffy was a shallow, perky teenager who thought the most horrible thing to happen to her was her nail polish not matching her outfit. The only Buffy I know is the Buffy who is the Slayer. But apparently I'm not even trusted to be that. So who am I?  
  
A place where there is no more pain,  
And there is only sunshine reigning.  
And there is no one walking on their knees.  
  
No one knows. Least of all myself. I've never had a chance to find out who I am. I've lived my life at the beck and call of my duty. Doesn't exactly leave much time for frivolities like watching movies, especially the last few years. I've sacrificed everything to keep this world safe, I even sacrificed my own life.  
  
And they repaid me by kicking me out. That's not something I'll ever forget. Maybe it shouldn't have been such a surprise. Everyone leaves me at some point. In the end all I ever am is alone. That's the nature of my calling. I'm the 'one girl'. It never said anything about her having friends and family.  
  
Everybody hates,  
And everybody dies.  
Begin to separate,  
A world that's full of lies.  
  
But I still fight. I will still put myself on the line to save this world that has never given me a reason to fight. I do it for them. For all of them, for all the people in this world who don't know that tomorrow it might not be there. They deserve to live in a world not full of darkness. At least they can be happy, at least they can have people that they love. Hopefully, they'll never have to know what lurks in the shadows, what things threaten their peaceful lives.  
  
They don't know how lucky they are to have peace, even if it's fleeting. I've only known that feeling once since the day I was called. I still miss Heaven. I miss feeling complete, and free, and happy. I know why they brought me back, but it doesn't mean I don't want to return. How could I not want to leave this harsh, cruel world I live in?  
  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
  
But I still fight. It's what I'm meant to do. So I put on the proverbial 'stiff upper lip' and do what I'm supposed to do. I'll return to my house and be surrounded by people who don't trust me to do my duty. I'll fight to save the world. Fight to the death if I have to. I've done it before. Would I be sad if I died, again? Honestly, I don't know.  
  
My angels they surround me,  
My demons they have found me.  
  
The only thing that used to keep me anchored to this world was the hope that someday I would get to be with my Angel. I fought for the chance for tomorrow. For the chance that he would return to me and I would return to him. But now? Now it's not even something I think too much about. I can't. I've been broken too many times. I can't hope for tomorrow when today is all I know.  
  
My demons they surround me,  
My angels they have found me (now).  
  
He's long gone now. I know he had to leave. I know I told him to leave. But I miss him anyways. I wish I'd gotten to talk to him longer. I wish I could have told him so many things. And I wish I could have felt his arms around me once more, his soft lips pressed against my own. But that would have only made it harder in the end. He had to leave. I had to ask him to leave. It was the only thing I could do.  
  
My angels they surround me,  
My demons they have found me (now).  
  
So I slowly walk back to my house. Is it even my house anymore? I give the gang the information Angel gave me and head for the basement. I know Spike is down there. He's not Angel. Never will be. But he's still been there for me. I'll never love him the way he wants me to. Maybe that's why I don't feel guilty for.I guess..using him.  
  
He holds me as I fall asleep. He's not Angel. Never will be. I can't have Angel. That's been proven to me more than once. I can't help but wonder as I fall asleep if I should regret my destiny for causing so much heartache, or whether I should be happy that my destiny brought my soulmate into my life, even if for just a short time.  
  
Separated  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
Separate yourself, to separated self.  
  
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^  
  
THE END!...feedback appreciated!  
  
.there will be another fic in this series coming out, probably, in a few days.it will be Angel's POV as he leaves Sunnydale. And there may also be yet one more that takes place after 'Relinquishing Yesterday' which was the originally the final fic in the trilogy now turned series. 


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